“I don’t want you borrowing my shirts any more.” She said. “Why not?” I asked. She responded, “You stretch them out too much and ruin them.”

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Ouch.

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This comment came from a high school friend of mine whose house I had just spent the night at. By the time I was 15, I was basically rotating between all of my friends’ houses as much as I possibly could in order to stay far away from my own. My parents had gotten divorced three years prior, and without going too much into detail, let’s just say my home life had gotten significantly worse since then. Not only that, but we were in dire financial straits, which meant I had to start working at 14 to pay for basic necessities, help with gas and groceries, and buy my own clothing. Needless to say, I couldn’t afford the trendiest, most beautiful clothing. It was mostly thrift store and consignment finds — which honestly I made as stylish as I possibly could, but still — I always felt envious of my friends for the cute clothes their parents bought them at full price!

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Every time I spent the night at one of their houses, I loved going through their closets and borrowing a new outfit. It made me feel like for one day I could pretend to be better off than I was. The problem? All my friends at the time were much thinner than me — as my friend at the beginning of the story made abundantly clear (don’t worry, we’re no longer friends). Even though I was aware of this, hearing my friends comment really hurt me. It shined a light on how different I felt and made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of the same things she was. My friends were always getting attention from guys, and me, not so much. They were the beautiful ones, who could wear the cute clothes and be fawned over, and I was the awkward, sidekick who put her clothes together with safety pins.

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At least this was the story I told myself for many years.

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It was this story that fueled my descent into the world of dieting and over exercising in college. When I started losing weight, I felt like I was redeeming my teenage self in some way. Every time I got on the treadmill or skipped a meal, I was trying to prove her worth. All seemed to be going great, until it wasn’t. I deteriorated my body and became extremely weak. Eventually, this led me to collapse one night and break a bone out of my femur. Finally, I learned that no matter how I changed and morphed my body, I would still be unhappy and suffer if I didn’t learn how to heal myself from the inside out.

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A significant part of this healing was making peace with my teenage self.

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My story here is not unique. After talking with so many friends about their own struggles with body image, I have learned that so much of their present day insecurities are fueled by the way they experienced their bodies in high school. Once I made this observation, I couldn’t help but keep asking “why?” Why do we hold onto this part of ourselves so intensely? And why do we have such a hard time letting go?

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The conclusion I have come to is this: many people’s high school experience is extremely painful and awkward. Everyone at that time is going through immense hormonal and physical changes, and it’s a time when the need for social acceptance and belonging is at an all time high. This means that every vicious remark cut 5x as deep and every rejection and exclusion felt like the literal end of the world. All of the negative experiences accumulated to be built up trauma that embedded itself in our psyche and our body. Since this was likely one of the first times we were forming our identity, we internalized all of the mean remarks, rejections and exclusions as truths about who we were as individuals.

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On top of all of this, adolescence is also a time when we have the least control over our own lives, but feel like we should have more than we do. But, who was really in control during this time for most of us? Our parents/caregivers. Our school. Our bodies, and our hormones. I believe that most people try to redeem their high school selves because they want to reclaim control over a time they didn’t really have any. Oftentimes this manifests in their present life as trying to alter their body, trying to lose weight, seeking validation on social media, and seeking physical validation from sexual/romantic interests. They believe that if they could do these things, all their insecurities would go away and they could finally prove their worth.

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The problem is that all of the above things only provide temporary fixes that can never be long term solutions for fulfillment and healing. They’re like trying to survive on lollipops and never eating a hot meal. So how do you get your hot meal? The one that’s going to fill your belly and provide you with all the nutrients and delicious flavors you need? Well, if you’re going to make the meal yourself, you have to start with one ingredient at a time. The first ingredient for today is making peace with your teenage self.

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Here are three ways you can make peace with your teenage self:

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1) Bring awareness to your relationship with your teenage self.

Write down what your memories are from high school. How did you experience and perceive your body at this time? How did others comment or perceive your body at this time? How do you think this impacts your relationship with your body today? What stories are you still telling yourself about your body from this time?

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2) Rewrite your story from a loving perspective.

Inside each one of us lives a place that is full of unconditional love and wisdom. You can call this your wise inner guide, your loving inner parent, or your comforting inner friend. Access this place now and see if you can look at your experience in high school from that perspective. How would you see your high school story being played out from this lens? What was going on around you during high school — at home, at school or the world that you didn’t have control over? What obstacles did you overcome? What did you learn during this time?

If learning to rewrite your story, and connect with your body from a loving perspective, I invite you to check out my online course called “Building Body Love.”

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3) Write your teenage self a letter.

From the place of your loving inner parent/guide/friend write your teenage self a letter full of compassion, forgiveness and kindness. What would you say to yourself at this time? What do you think your teenage self needs to hear from you?

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After going through this process of making peace with my teenage self, I feel like I have more compassion, respect, and admiration for her. I no longer see her as the “awkward sidekick that kept her clothes together with safety pins.” I now see her as a girl who did the very best she could in a ridiculously hard circumstance. I see a girl who was resilient, selfless, and hardworking. I see a girl who was so ambitious and determined that she overcame the odds and created a better life for herself. I see a girl who only wanted to be safe, feel accepted, and be loved unconditionally.

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I see myself now as the person who can now give her all of those things :)

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Now, I would love to hear from you! What is your relationship like with your teenage self? How do you think your experiences in high-school impacted your relationship with your body?