3 Hidden Flavors of Heartbreak (and how to heal each one)

I have learned that the heart can break in every way it can love and long, if not more.

But how do we heal from heartbreak that isn’t talked about?

I’ll never forget the day I felt my heart shatter.

It was my final week of high school, and the month leading up, I had gotten into some unforgivable fights with my best friend of 10 years. We had both hurt and scarred each other to the point of no redemption. I was in history class the morning it dawned on me that our friendship was over. Luckily, the teacher was playing a movie that day, because my head was buried against my desk the entire time to hide all the tears streaming down my face.    

For many years after, I felt deeply alone in this heartbreak. No one had talked to me about how hard it was to lose a meaningful friendship. At the time, the only heartbreak I ever heard about was losing a romantic partner. I felt stupid for being so hurt by a friend, and ended up keeping most of my pain to myself.

Since then, I have learned that the heart can break in every way it can love and long, if not more.

But how do we heal from heartbreak that isn’t talked about?

Most often, we hear about heartbreak in the form of a break-up or the passing of a loved one. These two types of heartbreak undoubtedly cause tremendous grief, anguish and sorrow. There is no minimizing the hardship they cause in someone’s life. But because these experiences require tremendous care, caution and sensitivity, I will not be discussing them in this post.

Instead, I want to shed light on three hidden flavors of heartbreak that are not often talked about or validated in our culture, and explore ways to heal them.

3 Hidden Flavors of Heartbreak and How to Heal Each One

1)      The heartbreak of losing an important friendship

I’ve been fortunate in my life to never experience a bad romantic break up. But, talk to me about past friendships and I’ll tell you a different story. There is a certain purity, innocence and sacredness about friendship, especially during our formative years that is difficult to replace. When these relationships are punctured or broken, our sense of trust, belonging and openness to others can quickly go with them.

Healing Suggestion: Focus on what you learned

Often times our important friendships last so long because we feel like that person understands us in a deep way. They bring out a part of us that is difficult to access on our own or with other people in our life. After taking time to grieve, allow yourself space to acknowledge the gifts that friend brought you. What did you love about them? What did you love about yourself when you were with them? What did you learn about yourself through this friendship? At the same time, take time to acknowledge what wasn’t working in the friendship and why it ended. Chances are, if you take the time to do this, you will learn some important lessons about yourself, what you need in a friendship, and how you want to show up in future friendships. Know that this entire process is not easy and will take time. Go easy on yourself and give yourself grace.

2)      The heartbreak of wishing things were different

There are many days my heart aches for things in life to be different. I wish my parents got along. I wish it were easier to see my family. I wish there were more economic opportunity in my hometown. I wish life were easier for my loved ones. I wish I had more time to focus on the things I love instead of working so much.  Just writing this list makes my tear ducts swell. This type of heartbreak carries a certain weight to it because it’s not always the type of heartbreak of having had and have lost. It’s often the type of heartbreak of trying to have and failing, knowing you’ll never get to experience something you long for, or acknowledging your inability to have real control over something you deeply care about.  

Healing Suggestion: Dialogue with your emotions

The most common advice I hear to this type of heartbreak is “be grateful for what you have.” While I believe that gratitude is extremely powerful, jumping right to gratitude ignores the visceral pain that goes along with the heartbreak of wishing things were different. That’s why I suggest dialoguing with your emotions instead. Chances are, you feel like you have to stuff away this type of heartbreak. Instead, I invite you to bring it to the surface. Identify at least one emotion that comes up for you when you’re longing for things to be different and start speaking with it from the perspective of your loving inner guide or your wise parent.

Do not censor yourself in any way. Instead, allow whatever you are feeling to flow freely. Respond to the voice of your emotions with unconditional love, compassion and validation. Pause throughout this exercise as much as you need to make way for any tears to shed. Giving a voice to your emotions and allowing them space to speak up is what will allow you to clear new pathways to feel gratitude and accept your life as it is.

3)      The heartbreak of time passing

The other night I decided to look up my childhood home. I haven’t seen it since I was a kid and it suddenly dawned on me that there were probably photos of it online. Sure enough, I found it right away. I scrolled through photos of it and virtually walked around my neighborhood. Memories immediately came flooding in. Staying up late singing and dancing with my sister, writing stories with my siblings in our “Art Room,” having epic snow battles with my brother, family game nights, and the warmth and safety of my parents’ bed. It’s hard to grow up, to move away from your family, watch your parents age and know that you can never stop time from moving forward.

Healing Suggestion: Cherish your memories and share them with others

I am a deeply sensitive and sentimental person, and chances are if you’re reading this, you are too. I encourage you to lean into this part of yourself, because it is a beautiful piece of who you are. As hard as it is sometimes, it’s what allows you to love so profoundly. It’s what motivates you to show up for your loved ones, keep trying in life no matter how difficult things get, and helps you to remain soft and open in a world that wants you as cold and hard as a stone. Keep every letter you get. Look at old photos. Listen to nostalgic music. Most importantly, give yourself the joy of sharing your stories again and again with the people who were there with you, or with the people you care about. This can bring needed levity to your heartbreak, and in turn make your heart full with all you have experienced.

I hope that no matter what type of heartbreak you experience in life, you learn to be more tender with yourself than you think necessary and more compassionate with others than you think possible. Remember that heartbreak is not something you get over. It’s something you learn to integrate into your life and use to transform your experiences and perspective moving forward.

Now, I’d love to hear from you! How do you heal from heartbreak? What types of heartbreak do you wish were talked about more often? Let me know in the comments below!