My Story
How I transformed my relationship with my body and learned how to love myself from the inside out!
It was the morning after Halloween. I was hungover, disheveled, and absolutely sure that something terrible happened the night before—even though I couldn’t remember anything.
My gut feeling was confirmed when I looked at my boyfriend. Without words, I saw deep sadness and disappointment in his eyes when he looked at me. Fearfully, I stuttered, “what happened last night?” He told me I had a complete breakdown. I was yelling in the streets at him “I don’t love you! I hate you!” I was mortified. These words couldn’t be further from the truth. He was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I loved him deeply. Why would I say that? I was so confused!
Then, it hit me like a brick wall. Those words weren’t meant for him. They were meant for me.
I deeply and utterly hated myself. At that moment, I realized that I had only two options forward.
1) I could continue the way I had been: ignore all my trauma and pain, project it onto the people I loved most until I destroyed my closest relationships and hurt myself.
or
2) I could learn to love myself and try to heal.
I chose the second option.
To be honest, at the time, self-love wasn’t even in my vernacular. I had no idea if it even existed. Yet, I felt that if it was out there, that if it was possible for me to experience, it could save my life.
I started by healing my relationship with my body.
For years I was convinced she was the problem. She wasn’t thin enough, talented enough or beautiful enough. After receiving endless negative comments on my weight through my adolescence, I finally took matters into my own hands and beat her into submission. Through restrictive dieting and over-exercising, I lost weight and received extensive praise. I thought that this would make me happy, but it did nothing to heal the anger, trauma, anxiety and depression I felt within me. My body was so worn. All she wanted to do was be my friend. I laid down my whip and extended my hand in peace.
I turned my attention towards how my body felt instead of focusing on what it looked like.
I started moving in ways that brought me joy. Instead of eating to lose weight, I ate for pleasure and nourishment. I began noticing my body’s internal messages and cues, and was astounded at her profound wisdom! My body communicated with me every step I needed to take to access more healing and self-love. Each time I listened to her and took her advice, I shed a layer of self-hatred and got closer to the nature of my core self.
After healing my relationship with my body, I began to focus on my mind and my heart.
After years of neglecting my mental health, I finally sought out a therapist to help with my depression and anxiety. I began meditating and developed tools to disconnect from my negative thoughts. I began the process of healing from childhood emotional neglect by learning how to hold space for my emotions. I allowed myself to grieve, to cry, and to get angry. I developed a practice of what I like to call "tough self-love", which is making tough decisions in your best interest even if they're hard. This encouraged me to do things like set boundaries, speak up for myself, and cut out self harming behaviors like binge drinking, smoking, and scrolling through social media.
Now, I'm learning how to nourish my soul.
I'm learning how to take care of my inner child so she can flourish. I'm learning to welcome in creativity and play again, and exploring my spirituality. I'm developing my inner loving mother and father, and giving myself time and space to heal, grow, and thrive.
I've been on my self-love journey now for more than six years.
Even though things got drastically worse before they got better, I can finally say that I love myself and mean it. I have the most genuinely loving and caring relationship with my Self and my body. I feel empowered to make the right food choices without dieting or binging. I move daily in ways that bring me joy, excitement, and strength. I have the tools I need to bounce back quickly when I experience anxiety or depression. I am able to communicate and manage my emotions. I feel confident in who I am, and have increased my level of daily happiness beyond measure.
Because I made the decision to pursue self-love, I have not only healed my relationship with myself, but I have improved all of my important relationships.
I was able to get my relationship back on track, and am now married to the love of my life, Christian (my boyfriend at the beginning of the story). I have learned to set healthy boundaries, which allows me to cultivate nourishing relationships with my loved ones. I have learned to be more vulnerable with my friends which has brought us closer. And, because I am more in touch with who I am, I have been able to find more like-hearted people and build community.
I know that life is long and there will be many ups and downs. But, because of my commitment to self-love, I have cultivated the courage to adapt to change and the resiliency to overcome life’s challenges.
Because of this journey, I have developed trust in myself to direct my life in a way that is aligned with who I am without compromising my values or diminishing my worth.
I have walked through the depths of my own pain. Been burned by the flames of my own self-hatred, and have known the desperation of wanting to crawl out of my own skin.
I know how much it can hurt to not want to be who you are or to have your body.
But trust me when I tell you there is a magnificent life within you waiting to be unleashed. One that is overflowing with love, joy, confidence and freedom!
The key to unlocking that life is learning to love yourself. You may not believe me now, but I am on the other side and am living proof.
Self-Love is 100% available and accessible to you no matter what you've been through, what you look like, or what you've done. I know firsthand how powerful, healing and transformative it can be.
That’s why I want to help support and guide you on your own Self-Love journey—because you deserve to heal. To be nourished. To know deep down that you are enough. You are capable and worthy of living a life full of love, joy, confidence and freedom!
