How to Hold Space for Complex Emotions
“We are so often fed the lie that if something is going well in our lives, that’s all that should matter.
At the same time, when we experience sadness, grief, or pain, it can be easy to be completely consumed by these feelings and lose sight of the good things in our lives.”
The night before my grandpa’s funeral, we had a party. We built a bonfire underneath the Milky Way and drank shots of whiskey until 4 in the morning. We got rowdy. We laughed and shared stories of his mischievous nature--the time he got into an epic snow battle with my cousin Alcario, the time he stole my cousin Amanda’s blueberry muffin right out of her hand, and the way he hid donuts from my grandma. We recalled the freedom we felt riding the back of his four wheeler as kids and the steady sense of comfort he provided us whenever he was in the room. Our tears blended with laughter all night. Our grief tangled up with an undeniable celebration of his life.
In this experience, without realizing it at the time, I felt a sliver of what it really means to be human. To step into ourselves as human beings means to open up to and hold space for complex experiences and paradoxical emotions.
I experienced this again during the season of my life when I was planning my wedding and getting ready to marry the love of my life. Marriage was something I never thought was possible for me, and yet, my heart found the right person who I wanted to be with forever. I was filled with rapture, and at the same time, I was confronted with profound sorrow. Shortly after my engagement, my mom announced that for health reasons she would not be able to come to my wedding. I love my mother deeply, and this news filled me with immense sadness.
In the months leading up to my wedding my heart had to expand in order to hold space for the drastically different emotions I was feeling. My joy had to learn how to honor my sadness, and my sadness had to learn how to respect my joy--each without invalidating the other or giving up their own importance.
I’m not gonna lie to you, this process was extremely challenging. It often felt like a tug-o-war was taking place between my emotions - each one fighting for my undivided attention. On many days there was a clear winner. There were days when all I would do was grieve. And yet, there were other days where I was floating on cloud nine. Then there were some days where I could feel and honor both emotions at once--and it was these days I felt the most whole.
We are so often fed the lie that if something is going well in our lives, that’s all that should matter. We should just be happy. At the same time, when we experience sadness, grief, or pain, it can be easy to be completely consumed by these feelings and lose sight of the good things in our lives.
How do we find balance? How do we learn to hold space for the complex emotions that come with being human? We allow our hearts to expand. Our hearts are muscles, so just like any other muscle, they take time and effort to grow.
As poetic as that sounds, I know it’s not really helpful unless you can turn that idea into tangible action. So let’s break it down.
Here are 4 ways you can practice holding space for complex emotions:
1. Build your emotional vocabulary.
One of the most frustrating feelings in the world is not being able to express yourself. For many years my emotional vocabulary was limited to happy, sad and angry. There were so many times when Christian would ask me what I was feeling and I literally didn’t have words. Over the last few years I have been building my emotional vocabulary and this has been remarkably empowering. The more words you have to describe your experiences - whether to yourself or others, the more you are able to accept the nuances of your emotions.
2. Get to know your emotional landscape.
It’s really important that you make time to turn inwards and ask yourself what you’re feeling. Many of us have been taught to repress our emotions and haven’t been able to explore this side of ourselves in a safe way, so start slow if you need to. Maybe journal for five minutes a day or once a week to start. If that’s not your style, try doing a body scan meditation that will help you explore what you’re feeling in your body. Many times our emotions are linked to different physical sensations and this can be a good place to start. Remember to stay open and curious as you go through these practices and do your best to leave judgement at the door.
3. Use the power of “AND.”
When writing, thinking, or talking about your emotions, use the power of “AND” to describe what you’re feeling instead of “but.” “AND” is more validating, whereas “but” can be invalidating. For example: “I feel so ecstatic to start my new job AND I also feel nervous about stepping into a new role that I’m unfamiliar with.”
4. Use the power of visualization.
One of the things that has helped me the most in learning how to hold space for complex emotions is practicing visualization. When my emotions feel chaotic and tangled, I do my best to identify the different layers within the chaos. From there I close my eyes and visualize myself literally holding each one. Sometimes this visualization would even appear as a balancing scale hat I was holding between my palms. For example, one hand would be holding grief, and the other hand would be holding joy. This visualization is most helpful when you have taken time to name your emotions and have become familiar with your emotional landscape.
As the world starts to open up more, I am noticing these complex emotions becoming especially potent. There is excitement to reunite with friends and family, trepidation to step into this new world full of uncertainty, pressure to make up for lost time, hope that things could get better AND fear that things might get worse.
Each one of us is being challenged to confront a multitude of emotions as we navigate this new world. As we do, I encourage you to practice holding space for whatever you’re feeling - no matter how contradictory your emotions are - they are all valid.